Chicago Bears Quarterbacks: Cutler vs Hoyer NSFW

Chicago Bears Quarterbacks: Cutler vs Hoyer NSFW

Cutler Hoyer. That’s all Chicago Bears fans are talking about. Benny Slacks, who considers himself our resident Bears Barroom satirist, is talking about it, too. Given the immature nature of his material we caution readers that what follows is usually unsuitable for immature audiences. Follow him on twitter where he occasionally shares a dirty joke. @44Slacks.

I got a source who is familiar with the Chicago Bears quarterback situation. This person has had access to the quarterback room at Halas Hall. He tells me that they tape the QB meetings and yesterday he looked at Monday’s meeting after the loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. So I told this dude to describe what he heard and saw. He agreed, but wanted me to promise that I’d change his voice because he didn’t want to be recognized. (No. He’s not in charge of scouting.)

So what did you see and hear?

Him: The meeting starts with Coach John Fox making a speech to Brian Hoyer, Jay Cutler and Matt Barclay. Hoyer is seated in the front row and Barclay is beside him. Cutler is in the back row with his feet up.

Was Dowell Loggains there?

At first I didn’t see him. But, after Fox left the room, and Cutler put his feet down, I noticed that Jay was using Loggains as an ottoman. 

A footstool?

Yeah.

What did Fox say?

He was talking about how happy he was that there were no quarterback turnovers. He was looking directly at Hoyer. He never looked at Barclay, Cutler or the ottoman. 

You remember anything specifically he said?

Yeah. He said to Hoyer, “You’re like a son to me.”

What?

Then he reached over, Hoyer’s hair was a little messy, and he started to arrange it.

Say what?

Yeah. He ran his fingers through it and kept saying, “protect the ball, protect the ball.”

That’s whack.

Then he left. When he walked out the room he looked over at Cutler and the ottoman and shaked his head like he wa disgusted.

Serious. Wow. Then what?

That’s when I noticed Loggains. He got up off all fours. He went over and pressed his ear to the door. Looked like he wanted to make sure Fox was gone. Then he walked over to the front of the room. And he said, “Okay, great job, Brian. No turnovers.” He sounded nervous. Unsure.

What was Cutler doing?

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. A switchblade. And, he started to pick his teeth with it.

Motherfuc-

Then Loggains tells Hoyer, “But, Brian, we have to score more points.” And Hoyer blurts out, “I’M NOT TURNING THE BALL OVER.” 

Loggains spent a minute calming him down. Then he says, “Let’s look at some tape and you’ll see how by just taking an occasional chance downfield we can win some football games.” 

Hoyer then screams out “Noooooooooo!”

Loggains plays the tape while Hoyer is starting to rock back and forth repeating, “No. No. No. No.”

Loggains points at the screen and says, “You see how Jeffery has one-on-one coverage here. All you have to do is take a small risk.” But, Hoyer isn’t even looking at the tape. Just rocking back and forth.

What’s Jay doing?

Jay? He pulled up a desk and put his right hand on it and spread his fingers out. He takes the knife and slowly starts to stab the desk between his outstretched fingers.

What? He’s playing Five-Finger Fillet with his throwing hand?

What’s that?

Five-Finger Fillet. Stabscotch. Pinfinger. Those are names for that game Cutty was playing! Holy shit!

Yeah. He kept going faster and faster and faster and faster. And you hear the the noise of the knife stabbing the desk. Dat… dat.. dat.dat.datdatdatdattatatat!

Same time Hoyer is rocking back and forth and repeating “No. No. No. No!” It was trippy, bruh.

What about Barclay?

He just sitting there chewing gum. Anyway, Loggains tries to show Hoyer a few plays, but he’s not paying attention. Finally, Loggains starts to get  frustrated. He turns around, looks at Hoyer and shakes his head. Then snaps at Cutler. “Jay! Stop that! Told you that game is too damn risky. Give me that knife. Now.”

Cutler keeps going. Faster and faster. Datdatdatdattatatat!

Hoyer stops rocking. Turns toward Cutler and rushes at him, yelling, “STOP IT! STOP IT!”

Cutler stops. Flips the knife high up in the air. The handle lands perfectly in his right palm and the blade points directly at himself. Jay says, “Catch, coach.” He then slowly flips it underhand to Loggains, but he misfires and the blade hits Matt Barclay dead straight in the fucking eye.”

Holy shit! He threw a pick!

Yeah. No one blocked Hoyer.

CHECK OUT THE JAY CUTLER & BRIAN HOYER ACTION FIGURES

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Benny Slacks

Benny Slacks

Aint nothin you need to know about me.


Tags assigned to this article:
Brian HoyerDowell LoggainsJay CutlerJohn Fox

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