Benny Slacks on Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings and More

Benny Slacks on Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings and More

Every barroom has a curmudgeon spewing nonsense from behind his beer mug. Here at the Bears Barroom, Benny Slacks is ours. From time to time we open up a bottle of something and after he’s had a couple we force him to pound the keyboard and write some stuff. Some of Benny’s stuff is not suitable for all readers. He can be immature which is why it’s ironic that we say it’s for mature audiences. We call his column STRAIGHT UP. Enough with the disclaimer. Here is Benny Slacks on the Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings and more.

Gots to express my condolences to Melania Trump. It’s bullshit she’s getting so much shit for plagiarizing a few words from someone else’s speech. I mean, I can not tell a lie, I’ve pilfered a line or two from other studs when picking up chicks. For instance:

“Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.”

Don’t remember who I stole that one from, but I do know it wasn’t from that asshole pedophile Jared. May his ass burn in jail.

Hang in there, Mrs. Trump. In a few days, no one will remember this fuck-up. Everyone will go back to looking at your nude photo spread and fantasizing about you being First Lady.


Got some random football thoughts on all four NFCN teams and how they’re looking for the upcoming season.

Let me hit you up first with my favorite team…

Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings

I’m on record as saying the Bears could potentially go 16-0 this season. No, I ain’t tripping’. There ain’t no dormant crack in my system finding it’s way into my blood stream. I just believe it could happen. There is no major weakness on this team. Make the argument that the secondary is unproven and I’ll give you that. But, the monsters up front will be banging’ big time. They will generate a consistent pass rush and the shorties in the backfield will play big. I would not have said this a year ago. I would have drunk my beer and given a shout out to the ’85 Bears. But, when Adrian Amos, a 5th round-draft pick, took the field last year and played like a baller I said to myself, “Shit, this here ain’t no fugazy. This is the result of good talent pick-up and excellent coaching.”

Now, keep an eye on my dawg Deon Bush. I got me some mad love for this playa.

I do believe he and Amos are the starting safeties on day one. And, if he ain’t wit it, it’s because Harold Jones-Quartey just blasted it in camp. Don’t matter who starts. The Bears will have three legit playaz at safety.

I could go on bout this defense, and I will some other time, but I’m telling you now, and you need to listen up, this Bears defense is going to represent like Bears defenses do. Not like the shit Mel Tucker and Marc Trestman threw out there. That was a fucking humiliating. This Bears defense could become the best of 2K, so far.

I know you anxious to hear me talk about the offense… and I will get into them is a big way in the near future. But, right now if you wanna know how confident I am this gif captures how I feel bout them boys.

Bears Lions Packers Vikings

Bears, Lions, Packers, Vikings

I got some good friends up in Motown and I honestly feel bad for my peeps. What they went through the first half of last season might be a year round thing for the next few seasons. If they did not have that new stadium, I honestly think that another losing season or two and the Ford family would move the Lions to Sonora, Mexico. That’s where they make their Ford Fusions and Lincolns.

On offense they got no pass pro. And, the whole passing game in pure poser now that Megatron is kickin’ it back. There’s no running game. (I’m down with Ameer Abdullah, but trusting that boy to take care of the rock is like trusting me with your girl after I sipped me down a few Rémys.) Matthew Stafford is up for a new contract after this season and the fact he’s been posing his entire career is gonna mean the new GM, Bob Quinn, is gotta let him go instead of investing over $100 million. The dude is a Vega. Move on.

There are some parts of the defense that I respect. But, those boys are gonna be wore out with the offense turning the ball over so much.

If you’re a Lions fan, I’m telling you right now, for your health, take the next year or two off. Take up a hobby. You know Tupac studied ballet in his down time. Buy yourself some tights and start perfecting your pirouettes, man, cause the shit gonna get ugly.

BearsLions, Packers, Vikings

This here is the team that I really can’t figure out. To me, I saw some shit in the first six games of last year – even wit Jordy out – that made them look like a true-ass Super Bowl contender. Then, they went into their bye and when they came back the Broncos game planned the hell out of them. And, the Panthers did the following week. Yes, those two teams have ballers. But, trust me, they key was that the Broncos defensive coach Wade Phillips figured out that all you had to do to quiet the Packers offense was keep Aaron Rodgers in the pocket, play the receivers man-to-man and boom… their passing game became the poster boy for erectile dysfunction.

Then I went back and looked at those six games they won in the beginning of the season and it looked like they won those games with smoke and mirrors. For instance, that opening day game against the Bears. My boys should have won that game. It was pure innocence on the the part of my guys that cost us that game.

Now, we talking bout this year and not last. So, I can’t be swayed too much bout what happened then. Jordy is back. Lacy lost some fat. Rodgers be all about eating healthy and shit. But, I don’t know. If I’m a Packers fan (and thank the man upstairs, I’m not) I have to honestly be worried that this team doesn’t have the stones to compete with the best.

If it’s true that their offense has been Sherlocked they’re gonna have some issues putting up the type of points they used to do. Then that defense. I mean what the fuck? How do you go through free agency and the draft and not bring in someone who can start for you at inside linebacker from the get-go? If you’re serious about putting Clay Matthews back outside you really gonna depend on Sam Barrington, Jake Ryan and Blake Martinez? No offense to to the stupid, but that’s just effed up.

Trust me, man. I’m not being a hater. I just don’t believe this team has the shit to win it. And, as a Bears fan, I’m getting a woodie thinking about it.

BearsLions, Packers, Vikings

This here is the only team that makes me hesitate a little when I say the Bears could go 16-0.

I’m giving the Vikings general manager, Rick Spielman, his props. I really do believe he has put together a prime beef roster and grade A coaching staff. Tell you the truth, the only thing that gives me pause that I am over-estimating the Vikings is reading some of the tweets and Facebook posts from their fans. Sometimes I see how skeptical Vikes fans are about their team and I wonder, what the fuck am I missing? This team is stacked.

Yeah, they don’t have a proven championship quarterback. Nor does he have the big arm. But, Teddy Bridgewater passes my eye test. He’s one of the most accurate passers in the NFL. Check that. He’s the most accurate passer in the NFL.  The nerds at Pro Football Focus posted this a little while ago:

 “(Bridgewater) led the NFL in 2015 with an accuracy percentage of 79.3. While this number is inflated by the large amount of short throws required by the Minnesota offense, it is no small feat to be the most accurate in the league. In fact, Teddy scored his best passing grades on throws between 10–19 yards, and broke even on throws over 20 yards.”

That’s what I’ve been seeing, man.

On top of that, factor in that their O-line has had some injury/performance issues and you got to stand up and give Teddy Two Gloves a hand.

Now, Adrian Peterson is starting to show some age. True dat. But, the old man led the NFL in rushing last year. You can bet he won’t do it again this year, but part of the reason why is the passing game will be tuned-up.

Hear me out on the receivers. Yeah, there ain’t no Pro Bowlers there. But, Laquon Treadwell is real. He reminds me of Brandon Marshall without the head case issues. Stefon Diggs is real. He was inconsistent last year, but remember, the team didn’t didn’t even dress the guy in the first few games of the season. His inconsistencies were more on the team than on him. Then, I think Cordarrelle Patterson is going to have his best year (contract year) and Charles Johnson is FINALLY going to live up to my expectations.

Then when you get to that defense… man-o-man. These guys going shit on some people.

Trust me on this. If Trae Waynes plays like a true No. 1 draft pick at corner and someone steps up and plays reliably at the safety spot opposite Harrison Smith these guys will throw out 11 of the best defenders in the NFL. No shit.


Before I disappear for a while. I really like what Jordan Reid does with his “Reiding Between The Lines” column. He throws in some non-football talk… so I’m gonna plagiarize, in a sense. These are my words, not his. I’m just ripping off the concept. He calls his Six Pack of Final Thoughts… I’ma call mine…


Brett Favre will be inducted into the Hall of Fame in several days and I can hardly find a Packers fan still pissed with their former QB for his betrayal. But, there are still a lot women out there who haven’t forgiven Favre for texting pictures of his cock to Jenn Sterger when both worked in the New York Jets organization (Sterger was a sideline reporter). I got a feeling these women would like to see the prick’s Hall of Fame bust look like a dick.

I’ma admit something here and I’m not proud of it. I’m into Kim Kardashian. I guess I’ve been harboring a little crush on her. Anyway, when I read that she might end up going to jail for for “willfully disclosing the contents of a private phone call without permission from all parties,” I kinda freaked out. Frankly, don’t know all the details. I don’t really keep up with the Kardashians. I just think she’s hot. So, I’m hoping it’s Kanye who serves the time… and then she and I can commit a one-time crime. You feel me?

I like to joke around about shit, but some motherfuckers out there take it to a level that ain’t right. Leslie Jones, one of the Saturday Night Live stars is being trolled in some seriously disrespectful ways. All because these pieces of animal shit are pissed that she’s in the new Ghostbusters movie. These little dicks aren’t joking around. They are some serious racists and misogynists. I hope everyone of them gets  that skin eating disease, necrotizing fasciitis. And, that ain’t no joke.

If you’re a Chicago Bulls fan, like I am, join me in opening up a bottle of something expensive to celebrate the team’s Summer League Championship. Seriously. I see this team potentially repeating next year and maybe even three-peating. Make sure you hear me right. Three-Peating Summer League Championships. Cause in the next few years they will likely add some good young talent. But when it comes to NBA championships, we ain’t gonna see anymore of those for a long, long time. Bulls got Dwayne Wade, Rajon Rondo, Robin Lopez to join Jimmy Butler. That lineup is gonna entertain us for a year or two, but they far from a championship team. Then when Wade and Rondo go away… it’s gonna be ugly. I can hear the echoes of the basketball dribbling at the United Center when only nine or ten thousand people show up to see the trash.

There’s only one summer movie that I really hope is as good as it looks, Suicide Squad. I’ve seen all the trailers and it looks super-dope. I’ll leave you with this trailer and hopes that the flick is as good as advertised. Later, people

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Benny Slacks

Benny Slacks

Aint nothin you need to know about me.

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