Slacks: Straight Up – Bears Wish List

Was at the mall the other day and saw more Christmas decorations than Halloween crap. Thank you Macy’s for giving me the idea to make my Bears wish list before Halloween.

Dear Santa-4

Yes, yes, I’ve been a good boy and all of that bullshit. Let’s get to my wish list.

As you know, fat man, the Bears are currently preparing for the 2017 Super Bowl.

That’s fine. Let the Packers make the playoffs again so here in Chicago we can laugh our asses off seeing them choke again.

Bostick ha ha hs

By the way, Santa, I never did thank you for that gift. That was dope!

But, more importantly, I got a list here that I really need you to come through on. You feel me? I mean some of the shit you put up under the tree the last several years was shit in a box with a nice little bow on top.

What the fuk am I gonna do with a Marc Trestman? I knew as soon as I saw Mr. Peabody that he was a dawg of a coach.

split mar t and pea

I mean I ain’t gonna lie, Santa. There was a time last year that I felt like running up north and sticking a pole up yer ass. But, I let it slide.

I know you’re gonna come through this year.

Let’s do this:

  1. Jay Cutler Continues To Improve

The stats for Jay C ain’t any better than in past seasons, but it’s as obvious as hell that he’s a better quarterback then he’s ever been. His leadership and mobility are balls to the wall. Then when you think about how banged up the players on offense have been, then I feel really like he’s been kicking some ass.

But, I want more.

Jingle jay rock

Fewer errors, more touchdowns, improved accuracy and anything else you can think of that will shut up his critics and make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Is that a lot to ask for?

  1. Jeremy Langford Stake Claim To Starting RB Job

Santa, you know how much I love Matt Forte. It was last Christmas when I asked you to send him to the Pro Bowl. (Did you not get that letter?)

I would love for Forte to finish his career as a Chicago Bear. But, more importantly, the new guy has to show us that he can take over as the number one running back at any time.

More Jeremy

So, Santa, let’s see him pop off a few 30+ yard rushes, catch a few balls a game and pick up blitzes as if they were benjamins on the sidewalk.

  1. Alshon Jeffery Stay Healthy

No need to ask you to help Alshon Jeffery become a stud wide receiver. That’s pretty much covered. What I want is to see Alshon stay healthy for the rest of the season so he can do his thing.

Holly jolly alshon

Did you know that his contract is up at the end of the year and that he’s going to make tons of money? So keep him safe, let him play and I wouldn’t be surprised if he got YOU a Christmas gift.

  1. Let Kevin White Play

I know some other Bears fans are writing you and asking that you help the Bears number one draft pick get healthy so he can play next year. Don’t listen to those idiots!

Kevin wants to play now. I want him to play now.

White xmas

Help him get healthy quickly and let him go out there for a few games this year so he can score touchdowns and make me happy.

  1. Continue To See Our WR Depth Grow

This is such an easy one, Santa. You see, for the last few weeks we’ve seen Marquess Wilson and Cameron Meredith playing well. Can you please make sure they continue to kick ass?

WR depth

Imagine what the Bears offense will look like with four excellent wide receivers next year? I ain’t bullshitting you, Nick. This could be one of the best groups in the NFL. But, you gotta come through for me.

  1. Improve the Offensive Line

Okay, I’ll admit fixing the offensive line is a million times tougher than my last wish, but, it’s not like I’m asking you to cure cancer.

Joy to line

Let’s start at left tackle. You need to know that Jermon Bushrod is broken and his warranty is up. So, make Charles Leno III a stud LT. At left guard, Matt Slauson has been doing fine. Keep him healthy. The new center, the kid from Oregon, needs your elves to help make him stronger and stay injury-free. (I’m not going to look up how to spell that name, again!) The right guard… we need a new one, Santa. Send over one of your best. And, our right tackle, Kyle Long, is one of the best presents I’ve got in a long time. He’s not playing as well as he has in the past, but don’t worry Santa. He’ll be fine. Get to work on the rest of the offensive line.,

  1. Pass Rushing Help

Need another pass rusher, Santa. The one you got me last year is really good, Pernell McPhee. Can you get me another one like him: a leader, scary mo-fo who just ain’t talk…  gets the job done.

pas rush

Give him a facial tattoo, too, Santa. Those are scary looking.

  1. An Inside Linebacker

That stocking stuffer, Christian Jones, you got me is starting to look like he’ll work out. Thank you.

LB help

But, that Shea McCellin thing you got me a while back sucks. I told you at the time I didn’t want him and I still don’t.

Take Shea back and get me a Luke Kuechly doll.

  1. Improved Cornerback Play

Santa, I have to be straight with you… sometimes you really, really piss me off. I’ve been asking for this for a long time. Then you give me Kyle Fuller and he don’t work! WTF?

Kyle run over

Fix him and get me another one that don’t break.

  1. Improved Safety Play

I think your elves have some work here. Yes. Adrian Amos was a really nice gift. Thank you.

Safety baby

But, Antrell Rolle, he’s broken. I told you I didn’t want him, but I understood you when you said that you were running out of Safety stock. So, I’ll be a patient here.

  1. Fix Fox

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I asked for a new general manager and coach last year and you delivered. But, did you have to get me such a disagreeable, ‘get out of my yard” asswipe like John Fox.

Merry Fox

He’s like an X-Box that locks in the middle of Madden.

Not the most important thing on my list, but if you could give that sonovabitch a personality that’d be nice.

Remember Santa, these wishes are not for me. Like kids that write you asking for a coat, their mama being able to see again, or world peace, I’m writing all this for the Bears. So, get to work.

Yours Benny Slack Xmas



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Benny Slacks

Benny Slacks

Aint nothin you need to know about me.

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