Bears 2016 Schedule & Predictions – Benny Slacks Style

Bears 2016 Schedule & Predictions – Benny Slacks Style

Benny Slacks’ immature work is intended for mature readers.

People sometime ask why I don’t spend more time on twitter and Facebook and shit like that. I tell them simply to go, “Fuck themselves.”

Seriously, I ain’t got time for none of that shit. The editor of this website begged my ass to write something. So, I send him a bunch of cocktail napkins with my thoughts and he puts it all together for y’all.

So, if none of this makes any sense, it’s his fault.

Sunday, September 11th @ Houston Texans

This is the perfect way to start a Super Bowl season. (Yeah, you read right! SUPER BOWL). Before the game, Pernell McPhee will say, “Houston, you have a problem,” and then Bears will beat the shit out of the Texans. Put it to you another way, Texan fans watching this thing better make sure they have the safety locks on their guns because they just might shoot themselves from frustration. Record: 1-0

Monday, September 19th vs. Philadelphia Eagles

Few things makes me happier than when the Bears beat up on one of ESPN’s favorite teams. After this game expect to see Sal Paolantonio file a report seconds after drying his tears, but unable to stop himself from choking up. Record: 2-0

Sunday, September 25th @ Dallas Cowboys

Are you fucking kidding me, schedule makers? You’ve given me and Bears fans another gift? We get to go back to the Lone Star state to kick more ass? Some people are saying this might be Tony Romo’s first game back from injury. I’m saying it might be his last game. Dog meat, brothers and sisters. Dog meat. Record: 3-0

Sunday, October 2nd vs Detroit Lions

“Don’t drink the water, fellas.” That should be John Fox’s key message to the Bears players before hopping the plane to Michigan. After the game, hydrate with Cristal. Record: 4-0

Sunday, October 9th @ Indianapolis Colts

Back in February of 2007 the Colts beat the Bears in Super Bowl whatever freaking number. It’s time for payback. John Fox feed your defense some gunpowder-flavored raw meat and go into Indy and shoot down that Andrew Luck offense. Shutout. Record: 5-0

WARNING: DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO IF YOU GET GROSSED OUT AT A DOG BITING A MAN IN THE FACE

Sunday, October 16th vs Jacksonville Jaguars

John Fox faces a huge challenge in week six, keeping his men focused on the Jags and not thinking about the beatdown they want to put on the Packers the following week. This might be the toughest game of the year. But, the Bears will win by 21. Record: 6-0

Thursday, October 20th @ Green Bay Packers

This is the game that proves to me that God has finally forgiven me for all my fucking sins. Jay Cutler will not only out-play Aaron Rodgers at Lambeau Field, but he will dunk on him, give him noogies, pants him, cyber-bully him and all but take his woman away. (Cutty, abides by the man code.) Record: 7-0

Monday, Oct 31st vs Minnesota Vikings

Halloween night in Chicago. The only thing scarier for the Vikings is if they bus were to breakdown in the city’s south side. Trust me, by halftime the Vikings will be running around as if chased by a chainsaw wielding freak. Can’t picture it? Let me help!  Record: 8-0

BYE WEEK

Bye week couldn’t come at a better time. Bears fans will need to time to book travel and hotel rooms for the Super Bowl.

Sunday, November 13th @ Tampa Bay Bucs

The good times keep rolling. After getting a good base on their tans during BYE week, the Bears go to Florida and finish the tanning process. Oh, they also beat the shit out of the Bucs! Record: 9-0 

Sunday, November 2nd @ New York Giants

Another ESPN team and another beat down. The only suspense is who will ESPN have cover the game and pretend they’re objective. Whomever goes in to do the post game interviews might want to be careful MePhee doesn’t go Mike Tyson on the reporter. Record: 10-0

Sunday, November 27th vs Tennessee Titans

Hahahahahahaaa. Record: 11-0

Sunday, December 4th vs San Francisco 49ers

This is the address of the NFL’s offices:  345 Park Ave. New York, New York 10154. Every Bears fan alive should send the schedule maker a Thank You card. Or, just call them at (212) 450-2000, say, “Thank you, bitches!” and hang up. It’s important to show your gratitude. Record: 12-0

Sunday, December 11th @ Detroit Lions

After five straight bye weeks, the Bears go to Ford Field and play a Lions team finding their mojo. BWAHAHAHA Record: 13-0

Sunday, December 18th vs Green Bay Packers

Okay, time to get serious here. This is the game that will determine how history will look back at the undefeated Bears of 2016. Will they eke out a victory at home and be in the conversation of the NFL’s greatest teams or will they destroy the Packers and be crowned the greatest NFL team of all time? If you’re wondering which way I’m leaning, your hockey helmet is too tight. Loosen it up a little. Record: 14-0

Saturday, December 24th vs Washington Redskins

These Bears are all about revenge. They remember what happened last year at Soldier Field against this team. No more gifts. Even if it is Christmas Eve. Record 15-0 

Sunday, January 1st @ Minnesota Vikings

By this time, the Vikings dream season has become a nightmare. Their new stadium, located on Chicago Ave., is strewn with graffiti, Teddy Bridgewater still can’t get any protection, and Mike Zimmer had a blood vessel pop when Norv Turner called another deep drop for Teddy to get pummeled. Record: 16-0

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If any of y’all think I’m joking about the Bears going 16-0 do me a favor… take a closer look at the roster GM Ryan Pace is building, study the schedule and .. I’m sure you’ll stop laughing.

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Follow Benny Slacks on twitter at @44Slacks

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Want to see what a Packers fan predicts for his team… click here

Want to see what a Vikings fan predicts for his team… click here.

Want to see what a Lions fan predicts for his team… go here.

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Benny Slacks

Benny Slacks

Aint nothin you need to know about me.


Tags assigned to this article:
Jay CutlerJohn FoxPernell McPhee

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